Self Worth
Friday, January 27th, 2006It is exactly 4.44am in the morning and I just came home from China Town. Did some last minute CNY shopping and it was great. I should be going to sleep by now but I stubbornly marched to my pc and switched it on as I HAVE to blog this out. Partly because I need to get it off my chest and also partly due to the fact that I am so totally elevated at this moment. I have woken up from my nightmare!
I am on a typing frenzy right now and it is better than an orgasm! The misleading cloud that fogged my mind so immensely has finally lifted and I am the old Michelle again. Strong, stubborn and full of pride. Now, I know that doesn’t sound like positive attributes but to me, it is essential. If you have lost your self-worth, your pride and lower yourself to a certain degree that is totally unacceptable then you might as well jump off from the Empire State Building. Because that is what you are, equivalent to a puddle of meshed meat on the pavement.
For some time now, me and my bf had been having some problems. We would quarrel over the smallest things. I admit that most of the time, I am at fault as I am naturally willful and kinda spoiled. Okay before you start hating me, hear me out first. Nobody is perfect right? I agree it was insensitive of me to tell him that I wanted to break up because he is still serving NS and is too poor to support me. It sounds horrible and I probably deserve to be slapped but I sprouted those hateful words when I was in a state of rage! Those who have never said anything hurtful when they are hurt themselves, please put up your hands? As I expected, NO ONE will put up their fucking hands because if they did, they will be known as fucking liars and they deserve to die.
After the war, we kissed and made up. I thought everything was perfect but NO! Guess what Mr. Sensitive did? He told his dear mother about the reason for my breaking up with him and now she totally hate my guts! Some of you might say: But you did say that he is too poor to support you what! For some of those who are brain dead, I will repeat myself again. IT WAS TOTALLY SPROUTED OUT IN A STATE OF PURE ANGER! He made me cry dozens of times, hurt me and made me feel bad about myself but did I tell my mother these things? NO! Because somethings you can babble to your parents but somethings are better left unspoken.
I am not trying to cover up what I said however I have been nothing but nice to his family! Lazy-good-for-nothing-Michelle actually baked cakes for them dozen of times. Something which I don’t even bother to do for my own family. His mother commented that she liked my coffee cake and I made an effort to bake those often just for her. Need I mention how many times I burnt fingers in the process of baking those stupid cakes? For all the things I have done, it is justified to hate me because of a stupid thoughtless comment I made when I was hurt? Besides, what kind of person listens to only ONE side of the story? A totally unfair one.
I have said nothing but nice things of him to my parents even when he made me angry or sad and I actually wanted to wring his neck secretly because I know that whatever problems we have right now is going to be resolved eventually. What good does it do to make my parents detest him? I confronted him about this matter and the only pathetic excuse he could dig up was: She asked me why we broke up while I was in a lousy mood so I just blurted it out. Hello? In a bad mood? Is that the best reason that one can come up with when he just totally destroyed all the happiness we had? Unforgivable.
Of course I was too blind and in love to see that at the time. I gave myself reasons to excuse him of his callous behavior. Maybe he really was so sad when I left him that he couldn’t think straight? Maybe his mother was a real monster and kept drilling him when he really wanted to keep quiet? Needlessly to say, because of this issue we broke up AGAIN. This time I totally broke down and I swear that I have never experienced anything like this before.
I called him on his cell phone and requested for us to get back together. ME! The victim begging for a chance? Is there no justice in this world? But who can I blame? I am the stupid fool who picked up the phone and dialed his number to beg for a another chance. It seemed totally justified to do what I did at the time but now that I thought of it, it just makes me wanna laugh.
Anyway, we got back together after some pathetic pleading from me (yes, I want to slap myself now) but guess what? He treated me like a sack of shit. He would keep me waiting at home while he goes out with his friends. Enjoying himself while treating me cold even when I called him on the phone. He was almost always busy to meet me, even a sms or call was too troublesome for him to make. I cried and cried at home not because I NEEDED his bloody company or to hear his irritating voice. I was weeping for the love that had been lost. For a little while, I completely blamed myself for being such a bitch in the past and thus losing his love. Oh! How I punished myself with swollen eyelids and creaky voice from crying my heart out. Did he give a damn? No.
After a few days of torture, the carefree side of me finally broke out and started hanging out with my friends again. I went clubbing, karaoke, shopping, pigging-out sessions, watching movies etc, etc.. Slowly I began to feel better and started seeing new people. I confess the other guys out there made me feel special and needed once again. Not like some lousy old sack of shit (which was pretty much what I saw when I looked in the mirror). I would also like to take this opportunity to thank that special someone who stood by me and listened to all my problems. I know it must have been irritating but don’t worry, I am all over it now.
Previously I told my bf that I would wait for him to let his mother know that we are back together again while continuing to be his gf and yet hide from her. I know, pathetic right? Why should I hide from anyone? I have don’t NOTHING wrong. Out of this whole terrible ordeal the only thing that I am proud of is that it only took me roughly a week to WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE! A guy who does this to his gf is not worth waiting for. So what if I succeeded in waiting for him? Will he treasure me in future, the answer is most probably no. Do I want to wait in agony so that I can be treated like a sack of stinking shit? HELL NO!!!
So if you are reading this and you feel offended or mad, you can kiss my sexy ass goodbye. This is Michelle Huang the stubborn bitch for you, signing off.



