My Blog

What am I to you
Tell me darling true
To me you are the sea
Fast as you can be
And deep the shade of blue

When you’re feeling low
To whom else do you go
See I cry if you hurt
I’d give you my last shirt
Because I love you so

I will you love when you’re blue
Tell me darlin’ true
What am I to you
What am I to you
What am I to you

I recently heard from my mom that my cousin Chrissie will be getting engaged by the end of the month. It should be a joyous occasion if only her boyfriend wasn’t a total miser. He is a teacher so he is earning a decent salary and Chrissie works at a prominent bank and therefore she earns quite good money as well. Life after marriage should be a breeze but why do I get a sinking feeling that my poor cousin will live like a pauper instead of a king? Or at least, princess…

Well you win some, you lose some I guess. In exchange for his stinginess, he is a pretty nice guy (at least he looked decent to me). I mean, he is a teacher. How crazy/irresponsible/perverse can he be? Then again, I’ve known of some really perverted teachers who have sex with their students/fellow teachers and things like that. Okay, I got my sources from B-grade porn flick BUT there must be some truth in it right?

Back in 1997 when I was still studying in secondary school, I had this lusty Thai-Chinese relief teacher who teaches us Computer Applications. Now, I can’t say that I was the prettiest girl in class or anything but strangely, he was really attracted to me. Beats the hell out of me but hey, if I get to have extra attention and care during classes, why not? The problem was, I got too much attention and "care".

During these lessons, he would constantly be by my side, guiding me through all the assignments. I specifically remember how he would place his hand over mine on the mouse! Eeeww… I still get goose bumps when I recall this. From time to time, he would also shamelessly flirt with me and asked if I would be free to go out for coffee with him after school! Double yuck! At that time, pagers were the ‘in’ thing and almost all the students owned one. Myself included. I had the pink Motorola Memojazz. Anyway during one of these lessons, he asked for my pager number and being the dumbass that I was, I gave it to him BUT it wasn’t enough! There was this telephone in the computer room and he strolled up to it and paged me right in the middle of the lesson to make sure that I gave him the correct number! Triple yuck! This guy gave new meaning to the word D-E-S-P-E-R-A-T-E!

Since he was just a relief teacher, there was also this senior Malay lady teacher supervising the class and I remember how she hated my guts! She was so paranoid! She always accused me of being lazy and stupid in class and therefore my perverted relief teacher had to pay extra attention to me! Hello? I tried to do everything correctly so that he wouldn’t have to spend any time "guiding" me through the lessons! I felt so wronged and it fueled my distaste towards Mr. Desperate Pervert. Boy did I hate him.

Okay at this point I am feeling kinda grouchy now as I sent a sms to someone and he hasn’t reply yet. I don’t know why I get so irritated when people ignore me! Of course except for people like Mr. DP, I wish I never get to know another one of his kind again. Alrighty, I shall go send another sms to ask him why he hasn’t reply to my sms… (Oops, hope I’m not turning into a Ms. DP)! Ciao people.

Yesterday I was talking to my friend on the phone and he was telling me how breaking off his engagement with his long-time girlfriend affected him. I’ve known both of them for a long time but he was my friend first and so I only got to hear his side of the story so far. That is why I don’t think it would be right for me to make any biased comments for now.

Sometimes it just amazes me how a couple can be lovey-dovey one moment versus cold/unfeeling the next. One can never be too sure about these things even if you are married for donkey of years, there is still a very real chance that things can turn ugly. Never mistake the love of a parent as the love of a partner. You can treat your parents like crap (although it is not right), be rude to them, be unappreciative and cold yet they will still continue to love you unconditionally.

In a man/woman relationship, it takes much more effort and commitment. It is the coming together of two strangers who met each other by fate. Normally, it will be scary and unsure in the beginning with thoughts like: Am I giving too much? How serious should I be? Should I hold my feelings and wait till I get more affirmation from his/her part? You will never catch a parent thinking this way. Unconditional is the word.

If you are an intelligent/attractive/witty/charismatic/rich individual and thinks that your partner should adore you no matter how shabbily you treat them, then you are in for a surprise. Sure, your partner might think that you were the best thing that ever happened to them and worship the ground you walk on but it is only temporal. When your partner finally sees you for who you really are, he/she will start to stand up to you and give you the ultimatum: Treat me better or I am leaving you.

At this point, you would probably put all the blame on that person on the basis that he/she already knew you to be this way and yet they accepted and put up with all your shit so therefore, they are the ones who have changed! They betrayed you. You will then set out to find another person to worship you. Sad but true, there are such deluded people out there.

I have this uncle whose wife looks like road-kill and yet he worshiped her from the day they were married until today. That amounts to many, many years of adoration my friend. How did she do it? You might ask. The answer is simple. From my observation, she is a very supportive and giving wife. She gave and that is why she received. She might not be the nicest person around but towards her husband, she is almost sacrificial. Just picture this: She is ugly (Ru Hua is prettier than her), she can’t cook to save her life and she is kind of dim-witted. Yet, she is still in a happy and loving marriage after all these years. Amazing.

Do you crave what she is enjoying? If yes then first, you got to put down your pride and realize that the world is not revolving around you. Second, imagine a typical conversation that you and your partner usually share but this time, reverse your roles. You will soon find out how frustrating it is to talk to a person like yourself. Always taking, never giving. Constantly looking for affection and affirmation but never providing any. Third, give yourself a moment to feel lousy (as that is how your partner will usually feel after a tiring conversation with a self-centered partner).

I used to take and take. That is why all my past relationships crashed and burned. This time round, I want to make things work. I am not that young anymore and it is about time I experience a real adult relationship. It is not easy but these things never are so if you are reading this my friend, I hope you can give your relationship one last ditch effort to make things work. If it doesn’t, at least you know that you gave your best and live without regrets. I will always be here for you. Hugz.

Feeling a little melancholy right now. Just finished watching King Kong with my dad in the living room as he got locked out of his room by my mom. This is just one of their usual spats and I am kind of used to it. Its just that the impending hip surgery of my 90+ years old grandpa got me to thinking how precious our time on Earth is.

My grandpa and grandma were very loving (not in the conventional way as they bicker with each other from dusk till dawn when my grandma was still alive). When they have their private moment together every night just before going to sleeping, they would chat to no end about the day’s events. It might not be the lovey dovey words that we young couples say to each other but it is sweet to know that no matter how much they bicker in the day, they could still communicate nicely at night. My grandpa could hardly hear, my grandma could hardly see and they both lost their looks/health to old age but they have something much more valuable than these things: Each other.

I was 18 when I just started out working in the society and got my taste of the real world. I started witnessing things that I thought only happened in drama serials. My married colleagues were cheating on their spouses, so and so was sleeping with so and so, which girl/guy was a great/lousy lay… I had a culture shock initially but I recovered and still believed in love, thinking that these people were the minority. There are still plenty of people enjoying healthy relationships out there.

However as the years go by, I did not witnessed many truly happy relationships, instead I have seen more and more of my friends got out of unhappy relationships. Cursing and swearing about their exes/sprouting ugly secrets. Still, I ignored these negative vibes, told myself to persevere by sticking to my values and principles. It wasn’t easy! I had friends discussing about exciting one-night-stands and the art of seduction at our weekly chill-out session. It was a bit like a scene out of ‘Sex and the City’, all stimulating and naughty. A young person could be easily caught up into such a lifestyle (it seemed so easy to blend in and just do what everybody else seemed to be doing).

Fortunately, I had a steady boyfriend at that time who loved and lavished me so I couldn’t bring myself to do anything unfaithful. I knew that most of my girlfriends were cheating on their boyfriends because they weren’t getting the love and attention they seek so they got it from somewhere else. They substituted their emotional needs by seeking physical intimacy (with anybody). While I felt sorry for them, I counted my blessings for having such an affectionate boyfriend.

Nevertheless after a string of unsuccessful relationships, I was on the verge of going into the dark side a few times. It was so effortless to drown my unhappiness with alcohol while enjoying the company of “cool” friends (who are usually attractive). It was all the right combinations to a one-night-stand but what kept me from doing it? My self worth. I knew that I would feel used/dirty in the morning and nothing was going to change after that. I would just be a brainless pathetic creature some player laid during the night and forget about in the morning. Like some soiled underwear. Am I worth more than that? Hell yes.

Up to this point, I really don’t know which direction this post is heading (I am just simply penning my thoughts). I only believe that for every moment we spent fighting, we could be loving. For every act of unfaithfulness we commit, we could be focusing on the real problem and bonding with our partner. For every hate/angry feelings we hung on to, we could be trying to forgive and forget. By practicing all these things, we are not trying to achieve sainthood. We are actually doing it for ourselves as life is precious and wouldn’t we rather spend our time being happy than unhappy?

I pray with all my heart that my grandpa’s operation would be successful but the fact is that there is a chance that he might not make it due to his old age. His time may possibly run out but it is okay, as he will be joining my grandma. I just hope that couples who still have each other can identify how fragile and fleeting life can be and cherish one another. It applies to family and friends as well. On my part, I will try my best to practice what I preach and hope for the best. Good night.

Today I got a Motorola Bubble Gum Pink L6 with my baby and I am so happy he chose it over the conventional black one. It is also available in silver but the shocking pink model just stands out from the rest. This phone is super slick and striking. Now we are both carrying the exact same phone! Yippy! Check it out:

Kewl right? Although specifications wise, not that ideal if you are those who go for high-tech gadgets but it is good enough for the average user. The main advantage is the light-weight and extreme portability (not forgetting its stunning design). I give this phone 2 thumbs-up! I especially like how the keypad lights up with aqua-blue outline when in use. It gives the phone a very high-tech-spacey kinda look. As I say, kewl…

Enough about the phone, down to a more sombre subject: We had a huge fight yesterday. It all started with some irresponsible jerk reversing his car too fast while trying to drive out of a parallel parking spot in front of my baby’s car and slammed right into his front bumper! This happened 2 days ago when we were having prata and teh tarik around midnight. What’s more? The guy was driving a 2-door Mercedes and had the nerve to just drive off! It is really shocking how ugly behavior can come out from the wealthier people.

Fortunately, a helpful Indian guy from another table who witnessed everything came over to us and informed us about it. He even took down the license plate number of the Mercedes and described the color/make of the car to us. Such a nice fellow. My boyfriend took down his contact number so that he can act as a witness for us should we decide to press charges against that reckless jerk and he readily agreed. Good right?

So yesterday he had been out the whole day; settling the insurance claim for his car, trying to track down the driver of the Mercedes, talking to the people from his usual garage and reporting the matter to the police. By the time he came to pick me up at my place which was almost 9pm, he was already not in the best of moods. Still, he made an effort for us to have a nice evening out by either going for some chill-out drinks or bowling.

Everything was fine and dandy until I made a "joke" about his car. We were trying to find a parking space around boat quay but that place was quite congested with traffic and when a car was backing out of a parking space, I told him to keep a distance away if not he will get his car banged up again. I burst out laughing after I said that until I saw the expression on his face. Then I though: Uh-oh… Somebody doesn’t find it amusing. Still, I didn’t think it was anything serious until much later when I found out that he was really upset over it.

Some of you might find it absurd that a grown man would be so petty as to flare up over such harmless humor right? That was how I felt as well but then when I tried to put myself in his shoes, I realized that it had been a tough day for him. A whole day was wasted by running all these errands which a rotten driver caused! It didn’t help that he wasn’t in the best of health as well (he recently got admitted into a hospital due to chemical poisoning).

I planned to apologize but before I can do so, he uncontrollably sprouted obscenities in hokkien when a driver behind him honked him a couple of times when he was trying to make a U-turn. It was so unlike him and it made me quite upset. I was thinking: What’s up his ass? So I took it personally and got offended. If he wasn’t in a good mood then probably we shouldn’t be out at all! I would be happier at home, peacefully reading my novel.

Anyway we canned the idea of drinking at boat quay since trying to find a parking space was a nightmare. We decided to go for KTV instead but before we got out of the car at the parking lot, we started quarreling in the car again. Things got kind of heated up and out of frustration, he drove out of the parking lot. Guess none of us were in the mood for a KTV session anyway so we started to head home.

On the way home, we quarreled some more and things got more and more out of hand. I accused him of wanting to meet a female friend so much that he forgot to consult me first! (He was smsing a female friend, asking her if she wanted to join us earlier on.) Therefore, there must be something fishy going on between them! (Actually I didn’t really believed that. I was just angered by his bad attitude towards me and his thoughtlessness so I kind of attacked him senselessly.) Anyway, he got defensive and attacked me back. It went on back and forth until I called it quits! At that point, it just seemed so simple to take the easy way out.

He drove me back and I just got out of the car and stormed into my condo’s gate without turning back. When I got home, I just sat in my room and got emotional. I was thinking: What happened to the relationship? We can’t happily enjoy an evening out without falling out! So instead of focusing on the real problem, I stubbornly harped on the "fact" that he was in the wrong for "cheating" on me. (I know it sounds paranoid and ridiculous but that’s just how girls are when they are upset!)

Then I started thinking: Hey, actually I still love him and want him back so I called him and asked him to drive back to my condo which he did. I immediately regretted making that call as it got me thinking: Hmmm… If I didn’t call him and asked him to turn around, would he have done so on his own? Or would he just let me go that easily? The thought didn’t really sat well with me but still I tried to let it go and went down to meet up with him at his car. We hugged and made up but still that uneasy thought continued to nag at me at the back of my mind. Would he have let me go that easily? Am I selling myself short?

When we got to his condo, the conversation was light-hearted and loving but still, the negative thought kept eating at me. (I know I should let it go already but I just can’t help myself!) We talked a little and went to sleep as he was exhausted with the day’s activities but while he was happily dozing off, I was thinking: Does he treasure me as much as I treasure him? If so, why was he willing to let go of this relationship without a second thought? Should I get out of this before it is too late? Don’t I deserve better?

In the morning, we washed up and proceed to get some lunch together with his mom. I was less hung up about the issues of the night before but still, I wasn’t totally happy. After we got the pink L6 and everything, I more or less forgave and forget. Even now when I am blogging this piece, I still cannot be sure of how much he loves and treasures me but I have decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. I love him enough to put down my pride and give us another chance but if the time comes that it is undeniable that he is not treating me right, I will let him go. I have made such decisions before and I know that I am strong enough to do it again. It’ll hurt like hell but at least, better safe than sorry right?

Morale of the story folks: It is never easy to put down your pride and forgive (especially when you are young) but just remember to weigh which is more important to you. To find someone you love and love you back or your pride? It is never a good thing to be too prideful but never ever forget your self-worth as well. It is a fine line which we will learn to differentiate more clearly as we grow older. Just my 2 cents worth. Cheers.