My Blog

Ha, ha, ha… Okay before you people think that I am a very bad person, check out this msn conversation I had earlier with a "friend". He is the kind of English-speaking-yuppie-small-boy who works in an office and thinks that he is swimming along with the big sharks. Always trying to start a conversation thinking that he is way smart and all but ends up getting bitten by a "harmless" girl like me. Check it out (by the way, this is all unedited):

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*Les* says:

yo i called u

*Les* says:

call me back

Michelle.H says:

what’s up

*Les* says:

moi b-day next fri

*Les* says:

bbq+drinks

*Les* says:

condo poolside in town area

Michelle.H says:

nex fri…

*Les* says:

yup

Michelle.H says:

nex fri i’m at bkk already

*Les* says:

bring friends if u want

*Les* says:

i c

*Les* says:

then i’ll waitfor my gift from bkk

*Les* says:

Michelle.H says:

haha

*Les* says:

u go bkk v..often eh

Michelle.H says:

yup

Michelle.H says:

nvm la.. jus go for fun lo

*Les* says:

too bad

*Les* says:

miss my b-day

Michelle.H says:

u’ll b how old?

*Les* says:

come and u’llfind out

Michelle.H says:

haha.. not possible

Michelle.H says:

my bf will kill me

*Les* says:

wak

*Les* says:

weak

Michelle.H says:

yeah rite… look who’s talkin’

Michelle.H says:

haha

*Les* says:

weaker

*Les* says:

u r the typ who laways get bullied by bf

*Les* says:

if u were my gf….sure die…i bully u all the time

Michelle.H says:

like u wld kw

Michelle.H says:

hehe

*Les* says:

do this, and that…and this again

*Les* says:

i can read personalities

*Les* says:

then again u also want to give in

*Les* says:

sigh…so hard eh

Michelle.H says:

then there’s oso something u shld kw.. i only listen to those guys.. who i respect

Michelle.H says:

keke

*Les* says:

who doesn’t

*Les* says:

quite silly ur remark

*Les* says:

dun respect still listen to them….a bit suicidal and mad rite

Michelle.H says:

u can listen to ppl even if u don’t respect them what.. its called driven by ‘fear’

Michelle.H says:

those are ppl u call ‘weak’

Michelle.H says:

hello?

Michelle.H says:

think outside the box leslie… *knock knock*

*Les* says:

we r toking abt bf and gf…..

*Les* says:

fear ur bf,….that’s scary my girl

Michelle.H says:

bf n gf n install fear into each other u kw

*Les* says:

i do

Michelle.H says:

i’m sure u’ve seen guys who are scared shitless by gfs

*Les* says:

wussies

*Les* says:

*Les* says:

whatever

*Les* says:

dun want ot be a puppet

*Les* says:

be the director!

Michelle.H says:

like u used to b rite

Michelle.H says:

i agree

*Les* says:

no

Michelle.H says:

oh.. ok, i must have remembered wrongly

Michelle.H says:

hehe

Michelle.H says:

sumimasen

*Les* says:

u seem to have grown a sharper tongue lately

Michelle.H says:

sharper mind wields a sharper tongue

*Les* says:

carving it sharp eh

*Les* says:

been missing me too much that u indulge in books

Michelle.H says:

nah.. it only sharpens when there’s a snake around

*Les* says:

and indulging in wussy guys

*Les* says:

sigh

*Les* says:

i feel for u

*Les* says:

sorry abt it

Michelle.H says:

first u say i m weak.. then u say my bf is wussy? make up ur mind

Michelle.H says:

who is which?

Michelle.H says:

or r u just anyhow shooting blanks dude?

*Les* says:

weak was to antagonize u

Michelle.H says:

ic…

*Les* says:

wussy is for sure….

Michelle.H says:

ok, i get u… but to understand u better.. i shall get my guide to ‘the idiot’s guide to communicating with an idiot’

Michelle.H says:

whahaha

*Les* says:

u like typing to entertain urself eh

*Les* says:

going so low

Michelle.H says:

what to do.. u cannot entertain me

Michelle.H says:

sob

*Les* says:

take part in limbo rock contest la

*Les* says:

y shd i

*Les* says:

ure not my gf

Michelle.H says:

yup.. n we all know that leslie only entertains gfs

Michelle.H says:

now who is the wussie wussie wuss?

*Les* says:

or….

*Les* says:

lovers

Michelle.H says:

yup.. anything that make ur cock stands

*Les* says:

ur mind is full of cocks

Michelle.H says:

then it’ll take many many many of ur’s to keep it full

*Les* says:

u r so full of shit

Michelle.H says:

hahaha… that’s e best u can do ah? then i go watch cartoon already.. ttyl

*Les* says:

what a bummer

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Is this shit funny or is this shit hilarious? Ha, ha… There I was innocently surfing the net to kill some time and this idiot came along unwittingly provided me some free afternoon entertainment. Oh well, enough of this crap. Check out the sketches that I’ve drawn last night:

  

They aren’t masterpieces or anything. Just something I doodled when I was bored. Blog soon. Cheerios.

A part of me died today as my heart wanted to love while my head kept pulling me to the opposite direction. They had a raging war for a few hours in the afternoon and my head finally won the battle.

I kept asking myself what can I do to avoid getting so disappointed and affected by another person? At this point I just wanted to find a solution asap as I felt bruised and broken. There was only one answer, that is to lower my expectations. Why is it so hard to do so in the first place? Then it dawn on me that it was because I loved and cared too much so therefore certain things became extremely precious to me. So precious that when it was taken away from me time and again, I felt very unhappy even though there was always a valid reason. Again, my head will tell me to quit being such a child and try to understand the situation but my heart just can’t let it go.

In the end I allowed my head to take charge as I know that if I close up my heart a little and stop loving so much, I will become a happier person. Still, I am not a robot and couldn’t totally close up my heart but I know with determination, it can be done.

I am just so, so tired. The same thing just keep happening again and again without fail every week. When I finally found it in my heart to understand and move on, something else will come along to cause me grief again. Its either somebody up there is seriously trying to test my patience or just plain didn’t like me. Bottom line is, there is always a valid reason. I can’t blame anyone yet I also can’t help feeling angry, sad and disappointed. I gotta take it like a good cadet or risked being termed as a bitch who is not understanding and only cares for herself.

While my head celebrated its victory, my heart cried but it gotta understand that my head was only trying to protect it from further injury. I hope I can take things in stride from now on and be contented with the little that I receive. Sometimes it is ridiculous to ask a woman why she couldn’t be more understanding and just let go of what is precious to her? Its like asking her why does she love you so much? If she had a choice, she wouldn’t want to be so vulnerable as well. Then she will start questioning herself: Why does she love you? The day she can’t find a good enough reason is the day she will let you go.

In the end, the guy will finally get what he wants: Tonnes of understanding. When the love lessened, there will be less expectations and that is where the ability of unlimited ‘understanding’ kicks in. The problem is solved. So should I say congratulations?

Thank you God for not abandoning me while I was at my lowest point and for sending me a wonderful angel.

An angel who counseled me when I was confused, was patient with me when I was being a tyrant, encouraged me when I was depressed, kept me company when I was lonely, listened to me when I poured my heart out, took care of me when I got hurt, baby me when I was angry, praised me when I gave my best, showered me with gifts when I was broke, loved me for who I am, guided me to become a better person, defended me when I was bullied, gave me good advice when I needed it, took in my problems as if they were his own, being big hearted and forgiving, not giving up hope when everybody did, believed in me and my capabilities, brought joy to my family, always saved the best for me while he only kept the scraps for himself, was sensitive to all my wants and needs and last but not least, for putting me before himself.

I do not know what I could have done to deserve such a beautiful angel but in return, I will try my best to be my angel’s angel and give back what I have received. For those who are going through a rough patch right now, I pray that you will find your angel soon. Just keep your mind open and not let your angel slip away. God bless.